I Don’t Deserve to Have Space
This morning I was pondering how frustrated I’ve been with the lack of space for my office and recording videos, and even my small bathroom. I wondered, do I have some kind of belief that I don’t deserve to have space?
Bingo. I sure did! In self-muscle
As I explored how this had manifested in my life I journaled about it. It turns out that throughout my life I have had experiences where there wasn’t space for me, whether it was physically or emotionally .
I Don’t Deserve to Have Physical Space
Physically there were several times in my life where I didn’t have a bedroom or had to share a bedroom in a situation where it wasn’t like two sisters sharing a room. For example, when there wasn’t enough space in our house we moved to as a teenager, my bed was placed in a nook at the bottom of the stairs, in the rec room. The front door was just above me, along with the dining room and living room, and a bathroom and the entrance from the garage were right by me. I didn’t have my own space.
When I got married, my bathroom was long and narrow and very cramped, we had a tiny kitchen with very little cupboard space, and my laundry room was a tiny room at the top of the stairs. These were the spaces I used the most and they were all tiny.
When we moved to a new home which is quite large, the spaces I use most are still quite small. My laundry room is also the entry from the garage and contains a small closet that I use for a tiny pantry. It’s half the size of the main entrance which is used very little. There is no place to sit to put your shoes on and since this is the entry everything gets put in there that doesn’t currently have a place such as groceries, donations, and things that need to be put somewhere else.
Crazy as it is in what I believe is a very large house, the kitchen is even smaller than our first house, again with little cupboard space and an island that’s angled into the kitchen to reduce the space even further. How is that possible? Because I believed, “I don’t deserve to have space.” I allowed that to happen. In fact, I believe I made that happen out of that belief.
I Don’t Deserve to Have Emotional Space
Let me tell you about emotional space. We need it. It is like the air we breathe. Emotional space says it’s okay to be you, I accept you for who you are, and your likes and dislikes matter. Emotional space means you are validated and people have empathy for you because they can see you and put themselves in your shoes. Emotional space gives you permission to be you…an individual…not an extension of another human being.
Growing up in the narcissistic family tree I did, there was no space for me to be me. I was an extension of my mother, and every time I tried to pull away from that there was a fight. My mother and I fought a lot. According to her, that was all my fault. (Fortunately, I don’t believe that anymore.)
Because my siblings and I were supposed to be extensions of my mother, I didn’t go through the “teenage find out who you are” phase until I was in my 40’s. My 40s people! But I’m fortunate. At least I got to go through it. Many people who grow up in narcissistic family trees never find themselves. But because I broke away from my mother and the narcissistic spider web, I was able to do that. In fact I’m still exploring who I am and I’m grateful for the ability to do that.
Other Manifestations of the Belief That I Don’t Deserve Space
This also manifested itself in my presence in this world. Every time I try to do something and people compliment me on it I haven’t been to receive that. I block it. In addition, I critique everything that I do, and not in a nice way.
I’ve also had an intense fear that someone else is going to squash me and steal my space. This has manifested in my marriage, friendships, and now as a blogger, YouTuber, and budding public speaker. Thoughts in my head:
- Someone’s going to steal the message I have for the world
- Other people are going to do this much better than I can
- I’m not qualified to do this
- Other people’s videos are so much better than mine
- Other people speak so much better than I do
- There is no space for my message
- No one will want to hear what I have to say
- No one is going to read my blog posts
- There is no space for me in this world!!!
Operating out of that undeserving place, I didn’t advocate for space. I didn’t voice my desire to have space. I didn’t negotiate to be able to put my things on a family bookshelf or say, “We need to do something about this house because all of the main spaces I use are small, cramped, and difficult to work in.”
I Deserve to Have Space
This morning I cleared the ancestral trauma and belief, “I don’t deserve to have space.” I took it to a zero with TFT. Let me tell you how I feel now in just the few ensuing hours:
- I am going to have space
- I know I deserve space both emotionally and physically
- I want to explore moving because although we have a large house, the most important spaces are small while the least important are huge
- I am exploring making my college daughter’s mostly unoccupied bedroom into my recording studio
- I am talking to my husband about this idea of space and expressing my desire for space
- I thoroughly enjoyed being Table Topics Master for Toastmasters this morning because there was space for me and I took it
It’ll be interesting to see what happens now that I’ve cleared this negative belief. (As an update several years later after clearing may other beliefs about deserving nice things and having a voice, we are planning to remodel our kitchen and laundry room entry!)
If It’s Important to You, It’s Important to Me
Now here’s the deal: it was me operating under the belief that I don’t deserve to have space. It wasn’t my husband or others in my family, my friends, or anyone else in this world.
For example, my husband is very willing to make space for me. I just don’t ask or advocate for that. Emotionally he is very willing to make space for me. I just don’t take it.
A healing phrase he’s been using lately that has helped me so much and is our new relationship motto:
If it’s important to you it’s important to me.
Do you have any idea how healing that is for me? Those of you who have grown up in narcissistic homes or abusive situations may have gotten tears in your eyes when you read that. That’s what he says to me! He has space for me. I just wasn’t seeing it or accepting it.
Likewise, there is space for me in this world. And it’s okay to accept that others see something good in me. It’s there. They’re seeing the gifts God has given me and I can actually believe them now.
It feels so good to have cleared the belief that I don’t deserve to have space. I can’t wait to see where I show up in this world now that I believe I do!
